After much needed time off for my honeymoon I am back with a much more personal post. I will keep it short, however it’s something that is always on my mind and it’s changed my life forever.
Today marks 18 years since I lost my dad… I’m 27 years old, which means majority of my life has been spent without him already. And I am aching. Every Single Day.
I will not go into details of how it happened etc. as somethings are to be kept private and also I want to respect my family.
He is the first thought on my mind every morning and the last thought of my mind every night. He is my knight in shining armor, the perfect man that I have put on a pedestal. No one compares to him and I don’t think anyone ever will. Perhaps we idealize persons who are no longer with us, I know for sure that when sometimes someone tried to say to me – not necessarily bad things about him but tried to explain to me that HE WAS IN FACT ONLY HUMAN AND MADE MISTAKES I didn’t want to listen… and I still won’t.
Perhaps, it’s because I was happy to picture him the way I remembered him the last we saw each other. If only I had known the last time I saw him would be the last time – I’d change so much. I’d tell him how much I love him, how I will do anything to make him proud and how he will be so missed in every important family event.
He missed the birth of both of his grandchildren and both my sisters and my own wedding. He also missed huge milestones and personal achievements from all three of us – myself, my brother & my sister.
The real truth is that since I’ve lost him I only merely exist; but I am not LIVING. Part of me is missing, and nothing and I mean NOTHING will ever fulfill this emptiness.
If you have lost a parent you will know exactly the void that will never be filled. Perhaps that’s why I adore my mam and try to do things to keep her happy and make sure she’s living a good life. Because when you only have one parent you know exactly what’s at stake.
You will forever feel alone and there will come a moment in time where you might be surrounded by people but nobody will seem to understand you. Those moments are the hardest as you try to convince yourself that he WOULD HAVE understood if you only had a chance to talk once more….
On that note I am going to leave today’s post as I have tears streaming down my face already.
“But remember, if we’re all alone – then we are all in this together too” – PS I Love You
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